Things are starting to become more and more frustrating. Everything around me reminds me of the cyclical theme of nature. Nothing ever progresses to a point and then just stops there. It all just goes around in circles. I'm afraid that one of these days I'm just going to snap and decide that it isn't worth it anymore. I'm afraid that one of these days I'm going to be completely and utterly alone and that we're going to fall apart completely. Every day I hope we can be as close as you and I both know we can be...but something always happens; then we're back to square one. I wonder if it's a rough patch or if it's something much worse than that. I understand you and see you, but it just feels like you hate me more and more each day and I don't know how to please you. I don't know how to make you feel better about your troubles and your worries. I wish I could run my fingers through your hair and collect your problems. I'd wash my hands and they would go right down the drain. Maybe I am just a bad person. We both know the bad things we've done. You just seem to magnify mine while I let yours go. I feel like you want me to let you go, or to push you away even. That's not in my nature. When I love someone I want to hold them close to me. It's times like these I wish I believed in God. I wish I could believe in something or someone that would absolve everything.
Here's the thing about forgiveness...once someone is forgiven, it's not to make the forgiver feel better about the situation or feel better about themselves. They do it because it's the thing they need to do. It doesn't excuse the act of the forgiven, it simply shows that the forgiver acknowledges what happened and still cares about the perpetrator anyways. I think C.S. Lewis really said it best...
"Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it." On Forgiveness
But here is the thing...of all the things I've done...do they make me a bad person forever? Do they make me a bad person at all? Should I keep talking about them? Should I feel bad about myself? Should I try to improve myself and move on or is that just false hope? Can people even really forgive each other or is that the job of our Fictional Father? Maybe I'm getting off topic here....
The thought that really crushes my heart and soul is that even if he says he forgives me and trusts me, somewhere down the line, there is always going to be more. There will always be another snide remark. If I get pregnant and we're barefoot and sweating in a one-bedroom apartment and I'm working an office job and we drive a hybrid car and have a weiner dog and eat yummy veggies and fruits for dinner and drink lots of water and go camping with each other and cozy up on our laptops next to each other every night....will he still think I'm a stupid whore then? Even if I'm giving him his first child? Even if we marry each other? Even if we're old and gray? Will I still be a hypocritical, selfish asshole then?
I don't think he even wants to be old and gray with me. I think one morning, I'm going to wake up and everything will be gone. I'll cry and I'll cry and I'll cry but it won't matter because I'm just a disgusting, used-up 20 year old slut-bag. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I take full responsibility for all of my actions, even if the majority of them were grief-induced. I still chose it. I still let myself go. I let myself be the kind of person I really never wanted to be in the first place. Then I met him. And he found out about it all, even though I didn't necessarily want him to. And then I did something that would be really difficult for me to see past if I was in his situation...but I know that ideally if I was in his situation I would try as hard as I could just because I like to see the best in people. Maybe that's what got me into everything in the first place. Maybe I'm living my life passively because it's so much easier than facing everything I wish I'd never see again. What am I repressing? What am I projecting? What am I doing?
All of these blocks and paragraphs of garbled, unintelligible thoughts can't quite give me comfort. I feel like crying. Is God making me cry or is my perception of a God making me cry? I don't see my path. I just want him happy.
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